What happened to Cory PART 3: The 100 Year War



Actual blog business

This stupid ass blog has been around for a long damn time, given it’s been bounced around on like several different websites, and managed by various assholes (me being the biggest and most incompetent). It’s a very specific blog, and having 82+ topics to write about a year is a real pain in the ass.

It’s been fun writing goofy ass stories I make up about Alec Martinez and Jarret Stoll. It’s been great sharing weird and disgusting stories from my high school hockey days and stories of people shitting themselves. I’ve greatly treasured trolling Canada, though apparently Karma gets the last laugh with Donald Trump.

We’ve had something like three Duck bloggers, two Kings bloggers, and 187 Sharks people. I don’t know what Chen or O’Brien wrote about, nor do I care. We remain James Mirtle’s largest regret in life. Things have pretty much deteriorated since inception, as life does to all of us. Material dries up, and eventually everyone followed my move of never posting unless you absolutely have to and then it is five minutes before puck drop.

So here’s the deal:

I complain constantly to all 40 of you reading about having to blog here. I’ve had a lot of nights of staying up too late thinking of poop, dick, and poop on dick jokes. I can’t think of anything else to say about god damn Calgary Flames. I have written fifteen different times about the Coyotes moving. I hate watching the fucking Los Angeles Kings now. Cory ghosting is pretty much something I wish I had the balls to do.

But I don’t want to exactly abandon this sorry as shit website like the Simpsons leaving Springfield so Homer can go work for Hank Scorpio. I know I’d get bored and would want to post again. Just not 82+ times a year.

Battle of California I think could, and maybe should be, more fun to blog at and more fun to read. I can only make so many Donald Trump jokes before even that orange faced nutsack got old. I don’t really think a full-time replacement for Cory at this site is the best approach. We could/should be a little more relaxed.

If you want to write about the stupid Ducks at any given time, or about their stupid opponent on a given night, or about hockey in general, or about a burrito you had, or about a dump you took go for it. Let me know. I’ll slap the damn thing together with a fancy headline and picture and ta-da you’re sort of a writer now. I’ll credit you of course (unless you don’t want to be), and eventually I’ll figure out the byline thing. They sort of change up things a lot here at SB Nation.

If you want to do that with the Kings at any point, same deal. I don’t know where Ian stands on this exactly, but I have an idea that he may be open to more people posting here and him working less on this site as well.

Be warned, sometimes you won’t get a response from readers at all. Sometimes they’ll just say YOU SUCK!!!!1 and try and insult you. That’s good. Just don’t be too big of an asshole in response. And if you’re gonna be mean, you have to at least be funny. It’s seriously the only rule we have here.

Battle of California can be a place for community content. But more importantly a place where I can be lazier, and a place where the Ducks aren’t perpetually playing the Coyotes.

If you want to submit anything here, let me know on Twitter @NotDeadRyanDunn and we can work it out. Or you can email me. If I don’t respond, I probably just missed it, so pester away.

Get to work, you lazy piece of shit.

What happened to Cory PART 2: No one cares



Not even his father

Today the Kings play the Ducks who play the Coyotes. Shit. Nope, hold on. The Coyotes are still not involved in any way. And it’s been over a month since that happened. But Cory still isn’t here so I’m still here writing a stupid as fuck game day post for this stupid as fuck rivalry in this stupid as fuck season on this stupid as fuck blog. This must be what hell is like.

Okay, here’s the thing: Cory is still gone and the last we heard from him he was abducted by the Nazi Furry community. Yes, that’s a real thing. We haven’t had communications with him besides that one tweet.

The funny part is that no one seems to give a flying fuck. So clearly the Battle of California has suffered another casualty but unlike Mirtle, Rudy, Earl, Stace, Chen, O’Brien, and the rest we seem to be collectively reacting with, “meh”.

So do we stop writing about the Ducks? Do we pretend the Ducks play in San Diego and wear brown and are slightly more palatable then they currently are? Or do we just pretend nothing happened and they perpetually playing the Coyotes?

I don’t particularly care. See ya.

Prediction: We discover Cory’s body burnt to a crisp on the property of Steven Avery. Kings lose, 1-0 in a shootout.

What happened to Cory PART 1: He’s gone!



Uh yeah, I guess that should be addressed

For the past month the Ducks have been playing the Arizona Coyotes. Wait, no that’s not right. For the past month, Cory, our resident Duck blogger/illegitimate son of Jer has gone missing. As to where, well, that’s anyone’s guess. Deported by Trump? Ground up into meatloaf for Chris Christie? Or killed in Bowling Green?

Probably none of the above, but we cannot prove otherwise. I can only assume he is dead. Unless one of you knows his whereabouts. If you do, please let us know.

And let him know he’s got a post to write tomorrow for the Kings vs the Ducks.

Today though the Kings play the Panthers. They likely won’t play well, and likely won’t make any deals to improve the team. They aren’t very talented, really have nothing to offer for the future, or have any inclination for sudden improvement. Sometimes we wonder if they even show up.

Much like Cory! My god, he became the 2017 Los Angeles Kings.

Prediction: The 2017 Kings refuse to write a gameday post.

Yo Adrian



The Kings’ last offensive dynamic prospect gets the call

Adrian Kempe has been something of a riddle to the Kings over the years. He has scored a plethora of big stage goals, and is remarkably athletic for a guy that’s been routinely the youngest player on his various teams. He also hasn’t really developed along a more traditional trajectory.

And now he’s on the Kings’ roster. This happens after the Kings waived Teddy Purcell and Devin Setoguchi, traded Michael Latta, and had an injury befall Jordan Nolan. Also, the only guy capable of scoring this season is Jeff Carter. What I’m saying is it’s dire times for goals in Los Angeles. What a surprise.

All that said, and, well, I’m not really confident in Kempe currently despite having been a pretty big fan of his and he makes me tingly where I pee. I had him poised to likely make the Kings next season, or possibly even the year after that (at the old age of 22), but as mentioned the Kings need goals . Is he a better option than Setoguchi? Truthfully, I don’t really know. That’s why, you know, he’s probably gonna play a few games and then we will see.

What I expect is more likely that the Kings are giving him a “show me” moment. The Kings did this with Jake Muzzin back in 2013 and and he stuck, as did Tyler Toffoli but he didn’t stick fully until 2014. Linden Vey was less fortunate. Tanner Pearson was rushed along a bit too, but ultimately he turned into a integral asset.

Kempe however seems to be a weirder case. He’s still really young, and the team expects huge things from him, but he’s stalled out a bit. Maybe that’s closer to being like Colton Teubert? I don’t really know. In either case, the Kings could very well be showcasing him, trying to find a team that is very high on him. Possibly like Paul LaDue.

If that’s the case, I’ll be sad to see the Kings part with one of their remaining high end prospects. He might be the only high end prospect left in fact, which oddly might make him more likely to be dealt. Los Angeles has really sold the farm, especially with their forwards, so perhaps splurging on a younger proven NHLer (i.e. Gabriel Landeskog) makes more sense rather than wait and gamble with Kempe. With Anze Kopitar, Carter, Pearson, and Toffoli the Kings at least have four out of six spots taken care of moving forward for top lines of offense. Adding a fifth piece makes life a lot easier.

If the Kings prefer on holding onto Kempe, it’s putting a lot of faith in a 20 year old enigma, and there’s not really anything else on the way. Especially given how Dean Lombardi vastly prefers drafting defensemen, and his early draft picking (the more sure fire way to get skilled young players) is pretty suspect. The Kings haven’t even drafted a guy in the first round in something like seven years it seems.

Prediction: I get hate mail for hockey related content and speculation. Kings lose 4-3.

Ok, that’s probably enough playing down to your competition



Certain members of the blogosphere whom I won’t name made dangerous allegations that’s it’s fine for a hockey team to play down to their competition, since the season is a long-haul and there’s no point in going full-tilt 60+ minutes of every game. That wears you out and severely limits your chances of playing well and healthy in the postseason. Let’s call that phenomenon, I dunno, choosing two names at complete random, the Wilson-McLellan paradox.

The Wilson-McLellan paradox is real, but the other part of it is that you have to play well enough to actually get decent playoff positioning in the first place.


Time to stop sucking. This road trip was part of one of the easiest stretches the Sharks have on their schedule, and they’ve lost now 4 in a row. Martin Jones and Aaron Dell have played pretty well (despite Jones getting pulled), but it’s really been the skaters that have let the team down.

They’ve been getting outshot and outchanced, and have been giving up uncharacteristic goals. Vlasic, in particular, is going through one of those bizarro-world stretches where he reads plays completely wrong and is ineffective on odd-man rushes against.

This is another one of those ridiculously early games, so see my story from yesterday about the drunch, or “drunch brunch.” I’d honestly love to hear stories of getting annihilated on mimosas while eating fancy egg hashes.

Sharks @ Devils

9:30 fucking A.M. Pacific because the NHL hates you

Prediction: The Sharks play down to their competition in a terrible and boring game

Brunch of weirdos



Holy crap, this is an early game. Everyone loves brunch hockey, right?

Before I lived in San Francisco, I didn’t really realize that brunch was a thing people would plan ahead, make reservations for, or wait for hours to consume. But holy shit, people really want to stand in line for fancy egg dishes in our cities.

Usually when some restaurant has something called “bottomless <alcohol>” that is a reason to stay as far away from that restaurant as possible. Like, you’re certainly going to have a terrible time, and it’s likely you will get shivved or find out that the chef has Hep C or just wake up later mostly naked in a gutter and the name “MAURICE” carved into your forearm for some reason.

But fancy-ass brunch places have bottomless mimosas or bottomless prosecco, and people in fancy-casual clothes get fucking destroyed. I used to routinely watch people casually walk into the paths of the F line streetcar on Market St., relying on their equally wasted friends to pull them back. Where were they going? It was never clear. There’s a grassy median with mature palm trees in the center that’s ok, I guess, but for some reason stumbling girls named Meredith really fucking needed to check that shit out stat.

My wife and I would call this “drunch,” an ugly word that pretty well captures the experience. I mean, I really like chilaquilas and I’ve been drunk on sparkling wine before, but I don’t really need to combine them. The headaches are awful.

I will say, though, that the Rose Cafe over on the mesa in Santa Barbara has the best pancakes ever, and a cup of coffee, a Negra Modelo, a full stack, and some chips and salsa is a perfect start to the weekend. We should all make that a thing.

Sharks @ Flyers

10:00 AM (!!!???) Pacific

Prediction: someone vomits up a Benedict.

Doubling down on the dumbass



The Ottawa Senators. The Vancouver Canucks. The Boston Bruins. All were Cup finalists. The Bruins did the thing thanks to noted lunatic Tim Thomas playing out of his mind.

And they basically blew up their teams for the dumbest reasons possible. There was a point where each team had to asses their roster and reload, which often involves hard decisions. After each of the Hawks recent victories, they had to jettison good players to keep their core and not get crushed by the salary cap. The Kings sort of punted on this, essentially keeping their core and their role players and giving everyone raises, and you can see the slow slide to being a decent but no longer elite (GET IT, BECAUSE OF JONATHAN QUICK HARDY HAR HAR) team.

But the Senators, Canucks, and Bruins made both hard choices (poorly) and punted at the same time.

The Sens had some bizarre internal power struggle that ended with them firing their GM, promoting their coach, and running around screaming until they collapsed from exhaustion. This, oddly, didn’t help and they completely missed the playoffs the year after their Finals appearance.

The Canucks decided to keep adding moron agitators, rode the Sedins even harder, chased off their franchise goalie, fired their coach, and brought in an angry, rupturing boil as their new coach. This also didn’t work, for mysterious reasons.

But the Bruins had the most hilarious response. They took took a look at their most promising young players and traded them off because they thought it was teamwork and not talent that got them a championship.

“This 20 year old loves drinking and fucking. A lot. We could encourage him to manage his personal life better.”

“Yes, this guy has the ability to lead the league in scoring, but is he willing to buy into our tough-guy worldview? I’d argue no. Let’s trade him for 18 months of a decent two-way Swedish winger.”

“Hey, how about this point-producing defenseman who’s a little introverted?”

“I dunno, Shawn thinks he’s a sissy. Only he didn’t say that word. That says locker room cancer, to me. We could get a couple draft picks for him. I’ll make some calls.”

It’s really hard to stay a good team for any extended period of time even in the best of times. Injuries happen. Key guys get old. You need to reward your best players without blowing your salary cap and holding back your young players. Other teams leapfrog you. All those things are out of your control, mostly. But I find it fascinating when a good team decides to start punching holes in their roster for no sane reason.

Sharks @ Bruins

4:00 PM Pacific

Prediction: I continue to be grateful that Doug Wilson stepped back from the brink, because he could easily have done a lot of the same shit here.

Why are you still reading?



jk no one is reading

Today the Kings play the Panthers.



That’s it.

What? Were you expecting some long winded thing about who’s calling the game or the fact the Kings can’t score or play defense? There’s enough blogs out there for that. You come here for...


Why do you come here for anything really? Cory has been dead for about a month now, the first of Donald Trump’s extrajudicial domestic killings, and the rest of the blog just sort of churns along. We provide...dick jokes? Bathroom humor? A place to feel slightly better about your own grammatical abilities?

Hey! Maybe you should try typing stupid shit here! But not really because you aren’t funny probably. Then again, that’s never stopped me. Feel free to write whatever the fuck you want, and send it one of us stupid douches. Except not Cory. Because, again, he’s dead. RIP Cory. I was your father. Secretly. Because I was so disappointed in you.

This is totally not a ploy to get out of working at this god forsaken site.

Fuck, man, I don’t know. Um FLORIDA!

They suck and their jerseys suck and Florida sucks.

The end?

Prediction: No one sends me anything, and I pretend to be Cory later this week. Also the Kings lose, 5-0 again.